“I only have sex once every few months.”
It’s not uncommon for me to hear this line from friends or acquaintances, many of them male. Most of these individuals have been in relationships for many years, have children and enjoy stable, albeit frustratingly sexless, lives.
They tell me that at the beginning of their relationships, things were very passionate with plenty of intimacy. Most thought it would continue like this indefinitely, but now feel disappointed.
Yet it’s normal for one’s sexual desire to wane after one or two years of dating, said Andrea Seiferth, a psychologist who works as a couple’s therapist in Hamburg.
A cocktail of hormones plays a big role in this , said Seiferth. They increase our sex drive at the start of a relationship but as relationships progress, a hormone called oxytocin, which fosters social bonding, becomes more pronounced.
“These bonding hormones dampen our sex drive hormones, decreasing our desire for and frequency of sex,” explained Seiferth. “This is something you need to be aware of as a couple.”
So how do couples deal with these changes? Communication is key, she argued. Couples should openly talk about what they enjoy and do not enjoy in the bedroom. Understanding one’s own sexuality is important as certain positive or negative experiences can have a huge impact on sex drive.
Do women experience a bigger decrease in sex drive?
Meredith Chivers, a psychology professor and sexologist at Queens University in Canada, has studied female sexuality and said it’s different to male sexuality. Chivers’ research shows that women can be physically aroused without actually feeling aroused.
This means that just because a woman’s vulva becomes moist it does not mean she also feels pleasure. “We’ve observed significant physical sexual response among women to a whole range of sexual stimuli that are absolutely not wanted or desired, so for example, to depictions of sexual coercion,” Chivers told DW.
The reason for this physical impact lies in the protective function of lubrication in the context of rape — as terrible as that sounds, Chivers said.
The researcher found that the discrepancy between physical and psychological arousal can be particularly pronounced in heterosexual women. Men and queer women show a far greater overlap between physical and psychological arousal, according to Chivers.
Feelings of sexual arousal depend on the kinds of experiences that women have had with certain sexual stimuli, said Chivers. The decoupling of physical and psychological sexual arousal is not so much a question of female biology, she said, but more likely the result of how women have experienced sexuality over the course of their lives.
“Gender roles, negative messaging about the body, experiences of pain and violence — these kinds of factors disconnect women from their physiological responses,” she explained. Also, female pleasure and satisfaction tend not to be prioritized in heterosexual relationships, she added.
This is reflected in gender orgasm gap. A 2022 study found that only 30% to 60% of women climax during heterosexual intercourse. For men, that figure ranges between 70% and 100%.
Sexual satisfaction is key
Stable, long-term relationships can falter when women do not have their sexual needs met for a long period of time. Unsatisfied sexual needs can lead to sexual distress, thereby suppressing a person’s libido, according to research by psychologist Natalie Rosen.
Her study also found that having one’s sexual needs met was associated with higher sexual desire and greater relationship satisfaction.
Couples who don’t talk to each other about their sexual needs run the risk of ending up in a monotonous rut. “Often, it’s women who get bored,” said Seiferth.
Affection is important
“For women in particular, it matters how they feel in a relationship,” said Seiferth. If women don’t feel seen and valued, sexual intimacy can suffer in relationships. “Women need a lot of courage to express their needs and admit what they don’t like.”
Many couples seeking Seiferth’s help because they are experiencing a lull in their sex lives rarely touch each other in everyday settings. They barely ever hug, kiss, or touch each other. “And then it’s the weekend and that’s when sex is supposed to happen, and that can feel like jumping off a 10-meter diving board.”
Seiferth said couples should therefore not only engage in open communication but also show each other physical affection, as this strengthens the couple’s bond. Yet she also said that some couples need a degree of autonomy to keep their passion alive.
“Sometimes, distance is important and so is experiencing something exciting and new.”
Sex is not a must
Foreplay, like touching and kissing, can trigger lust, pleasure and excitement. “I may have to wait a long time for sex if it only happens when I feel sexually aroused,” said Seiferth.
While sexual arousal may have sufficed in the early stages of a relationship, after a while, making time for each other in our busy lives — punctuated by child care, meetings and chores — becomes more important. This allows couples to “develop playful, intimate” ways “where sex is not a must, though remains a priority.”
After all, it’s not just sex that deepens a couple’s relationship, but also the time that couples spend together after sex. Cuddling and showing affection toward each other after sex strengthens feelings of closeness, trust and affection in relationships. A study by psychologist Amy Muise found that post-sex affection results in greater sexual and relationship satisfaction, particularly among women.
This article was originally written in German.
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